As Juizas Do Sexo
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The tight leather uniforms, the domination and restraint, the big long nightsticks, I’m really quite surprised that this is the only Judge Dredd porno I’ve ever, um, come cross. I’m also surprised that it’s quite a straightforward porno and not an S&M fest, although less surprised that it’s Brasilian, cos they like a bit of red-blooded macho lawman action over there.
My Portuguese isn’t that great, so I didn’t entirely figure out what the plot was from the lengthy opening spiel, but it’s some cobblers to do with sex being banned in the future, some sort of illegal hallucinogen (presumably not the same one the writers were on) that makes you unable to resist boning the nearest stranger, and the group of law enforcers set up to prevent illicit nookie - the Judges of SEX! Oh yeah, and the punishment for sex is castration, apparently, which I suppose is apt.
The film opens on two rather foxy looking female judges lurking in a corridor in actually fairly convincing outfits, before switching to a young couple getting frisky in a not terribly futuristic looking motel room (does Madrid have Travelodges?). The girl wins credit right from the off, partly for having nice largish boobs (I’m not usually a fan of the more frontally endowed), but mainly for looking a hell of a lot like Rosanna Arquette, and the bloke gets credit for having nice trousers. Oddly, the best bit of this section is when she’s sucking his cock. Fellatio scenes tend to be dull and overlong, but this one’s short and she has a gorgeous pair of lips wrapped around his shaft. After that, it goes downhill a bit with all the usual positions, and amusingly the girl starts to look bored while the bloke is clearly getting a bit nervous - just like real life!
After he’s exploded all over those nice tits, we’re back in the corridor again, where the foxy Judges of SEX! are still hanging around doing sod all except jabber into their radios, and then suddenly we’re back in the same hotel room we were just in with the last couple. Hope they changed the seats, or someone’s gonna be shagging in the wet spot!
This time round, it’s two guys and a girl, who sit around playing chess and discussing Sartre. Or possibly not. Nope, they get down to a great deal of spit-roasting in the usual way - she’s kinda hot in a fairly standard porno hardbody way, the blokes are passingly familiar with the ugly shovel, and the sexiest bit is the girl moaning and gasping in Spanish as she’s being fucked hard from behind.
By this point I was wondering if the plot, or even the Judges, would ever get out of the corridor - I mean, if you pay your dollar for Judges of SEX! you expect the judges to get down to some SEX! at some point in the movie. It’s not like I have high expectations, but a little narrative and some vague attempt to look a bit ‘future’ would have been nice - surely they could have stretched to some neon green eyeshadow and a Philippe Starck lemon squeezer?
A bit of nasty spaceship CGI later, and we’re somewhere new - a different bit of corridor, with a heating vent! Hey, you gotta take your excitement where you can get it. But don’t worry, Dredd’s here! But oh dear me, he’s let himself go a bit - I’m sure the paunch, the double chin and the stubble are against regulations.
Nevertheless, he starts kicking arse and taking names, busting back into the same room again and zapping the first couple (who had presumably been hiding in the drawer next to the bible), before tracking down the rest, plus a couple of surprised looking extras, and attempting to talk them to death.
Luckily one of the female judges decides to take one for the team, necks a trippy sex pill, and is soon down to her shiny black knickers, sucking the cock of one of the guys from earlier (the uncastrated one, natch). If you like dark-haired, sultry latino looks and big butts this one should be for you, because the woman in this one has all of the above. However I say ’should’ because this ain’t a great scene. The problem is that the couple seem genuinely into each other, staring into each other’s eyes and holding each other tightly, which is very sweet, but doesn’t make for great porn. Still, she looks great at the end when she’s on all fours, her boyfriend burying his cock in her arse before spraying a quite phenomenal amount of cum up her back (I’m talking fire-extinguisher volumes here).
Meanwhile, back in the bloody corridor, a woman in an at least attempting-to-be-futuristic silver dress sneakily, er, walks straight up to Fat Dredd and bungs a trip in his mouth. And before he can say “Drokk, look at all those colours, maaaan!”, Dredd’s flat on his back with silver dress girl and the other female judge sucking on his nightstick. It has to be said, for all its faults, this film really does have some nice blowjob action.
Thos is also another good scene for latino-lovers, as both girls have smouldering Spanish looks, not to mention lithe, athletic bodies, which are a real turn on when they arch their backs as ‘Dredd’ slides his big cock into their tight pussies. Although finding that Dredd looks like a fat Alec Balwin without his helmet on is just a little distracting. Best bit of this scene is silver dress girl doing reverse cowgirl on Dredd, her gorgeous cupcake breasts bouncing as Dredd fucks her arsehole.
Having sprayed cum all over said breasts (who wouldn’t?), Dredd suits up again and goes off in search of the funky sex acid dealer, who he gives a lengthy lecture to about God knows what before, yep, shooting him in the balls, cos he is the LAW and stuff.
Put simply, this isn’t a great porno film - stars who don’t know how to perform for the camera, some terrible camera angles, and the whole thing looks really cheap seeing as it was all clearly filmed in one room and the corridor outside. Having said that, if you grew up reading Judge Dredd, it’s a fun curio, and anyone who likes watching Latino girls in action will find a bit to please them. And hey, it’s still better than the Stallone Dredd movie.
